EG-RATED
', <Xw
A tiger woke up one morning feeling just great.  He felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals!?!"  And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later, the tiger confronted a deer and  bellowed, "Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals!?!!"  The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds and roared at the top of his voice, "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle!?!?!!"
The elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down, picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black, and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree.  The tiger staggered to his feet, looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad!"
Three men were going on an expedition. The trail guide asked the first man what he was bringing. He said he was bringing water.
Being satisfied with that answer, the trail leader asked the second man the same question.  The second man said he was bringing some food.
The trail leader was impressed.  He went to the third man, who had a huge backpack.  The guide asked him what on Earth he was bringing that took up so much room.  The third man responded with a smile, "I am bringing a car door just in case it gets hot.  That way I can roll down a window."
Why dont sharks eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!!
There were once three squaws.  One sat on a leopard skin.  One sat on a doe skin.  The third sat on a hippopotamus skin.  The squaw on the leopard skin had one son.  The squaw on the deer skin had one son.  But the squaw on the hippopotamus skin had twin sons.  This all goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
The square of the hypotaneus is equal to the sum of the squares of the sides.
Janie (showing a bathroom scale to a small playmate):  All I know is, you stand on it, and it makes you mad.
Jimmy's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Jimmy to recite a sentence with a direct object.
After thinking it over, Jimmy stood up and said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."
"Why thank you, Jimmy," replied the teacher, "but what is the direct object?"
"A good report card next month," was his reply.
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
One Sunday a cowboy went to church.  When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.  The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.  The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."  So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.  The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.  The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.  A child playing in front of his house saw him and called, "What are you hauling?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the child.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the child advised him.  "We put sugar and cream on them."
Some cowboys were sitting around a campfire telling stories.  One of them said, "I know an Indian who never forgets anything.  The Devil can have my soul if I'm not telling the truth."
That night the Devil appeared and said, "Come along with me."
"I was telling the truth," the cowpoke replied.  "I'll show you."
The two of them went to the Indian.  "Do you like eggs?" the Devil asked.
"Yes," the Indian replied.
Then the cowboy and the Devil went away.  Twenty years later, the Devil heard that the cowboy had died, and he went off to find the Indian.
"How!" the Devil said, greeting him Indian-style with his right arm raised.
"Fried," the Indian answered.
A salesman parked his foreign sports car in front of the general store.  When he came out of the store, a farmer was looking the car over.  "Well, how do you like it?" asked the salesman.  The farmer replied, "Picked it before it was ripe, didn't you?"
In the mood for joking, a vacationer strolled over to a farmer working in a field and asked, "Did you happen to see a wagonload of monkeys go by?"
"Nope," replied the farmer.  "Did you fall off?"
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:
1.  Go to Africa
2.  Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3.  Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West.
4.  During each traverse
        a.  Catch each animal seen
        b.  Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
        c.  Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at  random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those who do.
Operations research consultants can measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant hunting strategies, if someone else will identify the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.  
Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his staff will try to ensure that  all elephants are completely pre-hunted before he sees them.  If the vice president sees a non-pre-hunted elephant, the staff will (1) Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't  caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Software salespeople ship the
first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. 
Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."
A cute hairy fairy named Mary,
Was in love with a pixie called Harry.
He too, all his life, wanted her for his wife,
So the hairy fairy Mary married Harry!
The teacher called on little Joey.  "Tell me what you know about George Washington.  Was he a soldier or a sailor?"
"I think he was a soldier," replied Joey.
"Why do you say that?"
"I saw a picture of him when he was crossing the Delaware, and any sailor knows enough not to stand up in a rowboat."
A man from Boston had spent an entire evening listening to a Texan brag about the heroes of the Alamo.  Finally the Texan said, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave in Boston."
"Have you ever heard of Paul Revere?"  asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan.  "Oh, yes.  Wasn't he the fellow who ran for help?"
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
Last night I had a dream I was a teepee.  Tonight I had a dream I was a wigwam.  I called my shrink and he said, "Don't worry, you are just two tents!"
Too tense
How many honest lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them!
Benjamin Franklin may have discovered electricity, but the man who invented the meter made all the money.
Clara: "Whenever I'm in the dumps, I get a new hat."
Sarah: "Oh, so that's where you get them!"
A husband has worried about what the neighbors will think for too long!
His wife says, "I'm going to strip off all my clothes and mow  the lawn naked.  Then what would the neighbors think?"
He says," They'd think I married you for your money."
A guy, walking down the sidewalk, sees a couple coming the other way.  He stares at the girl.
Her boyfriend says, "Have you got a problem?"
He says, "Yeah, I want to go out with her, but I don't have her phone number."
Gary: Your sister is sure spoiled, isn't she?
Barry: No, that's just the perfume she's wearing.
He's not really two-faced.  If he had two, why would he be wearing that one?
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.  The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, on rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?"